7 years ago, November 3rd, my mother died. She had a disease called Multiple Systems Atrophy. If you want more detail on that, there are other postings you read. People told me I would learn to live with it. I have, truly. It got easier day by day. But what hasn’t gotten easier is dealing with things that would have been easier to handle if she were still here.
In the past 7 years, several things have happened. I have been diagnosed with Primary Biliary Cirrhosis (something I inherited from her), Thyroid cancer, lost both my ovaries (one by emergency surgery, surgical menopause hurray!), nearly lost my Dad to infections (twice), you get the picture. I could go on. Next week, I have my annual mammogram. Since my surgery in April, I have been having discharge from my right breast. I’ve had several tests, and all have been negative. I was misdiagnosed with my liver disease for nearly three years, so I am not exactly feeling very confident.
So when I was driving home tonight from work (oh yeah, throw in a new job into that mix, one with a commute), I was looking at the sunset, the lovely fall sky and there it was. My Mom. It wasn’t the overwhelming grief of old. It was something far deeper. A deep, throbbing ache, that made me close my eyes, grimace and almost run off the road.
So, besides the catharsis of letting all this out, what is the point of this post?
I would like to say I have an uplifting, “feel good”, conclusion to all this. Frankly, I don’t feel very uplifted these days. My life has gotten very complicated. I have little to no energy when I get home. I have had moments where I can’t even get enough thoughts together to deal with anything. I’ve been told my thyroid meds may be off. But then again, a doctor tells me its fine. Yet another thing to fight for. I am tired of fighting. I’m tired of struggling. I’m just tired.
So, I guess the point of this post is to say, despite what people tell you, there will be days when you are just sad. You don’t need medicine for it, you will just be sad. I’m tired and sad.
Maybe one day I won’t be. But today it feels like it will never end.