It has been quite a while since I posted on my blog.  2015-2016 were crazy years for me and my family.  Surgeries, new jobs, health scares of family.  Quite a bit in a short time.  One of the groups of pieces I wrote was my divorce in the church series.  I thought I would delve back into this very painful part of my recent past and let you know where things stand.  I honestly don’t know how many people actually read my blog or follow any of this.  But my prayers are that it helps people, so I will continue.

So, where did we leave off?  I stated that my husband and I were the “walking wounded” and were irreparably damaged by what happened to us.  We had parted ways with a pastor and the process that ensued leading up to this was terribly painful.   But God is in the healing business and there is no such word as “Irreparable” to Him.

It hasn’t been easy.  Far from it.   We haven’t left the congregation I mentioned here.   We have been more absent, if you want to call it that.  In truth, we have not been attending worship much at all.  I could easily blame it on my health.  I have had my struggles there, and there have been legitimate times when I just couldn’t make it due to fatigue.  Those times will happen again.  But what has been happening is that we have nursing our wounds and healing.  I didn’t really know that was happening, if you want to know the truth.  I thought we were trying to make up our minds what to do about leaving or staying.  Starting over, or continuing.  In His normal, wonderful and loving way, Christ was giving us time. Allowing us to figure it out, while he held our hands.   His schedule is not our schedule, His ways are not our ways.  So what does that mean?

To the non-christian, if there are any reading this, you probably won’t understand.  You may say I finally went through my final stage of grief and have moved onto acceptance.  Maybe.  But the author of the universe sometimes has other plans.    We tried to force it before it was time.  We tried to push through the grief process.  We tried to move on, we even considered turning our backs altogether.  But something held us there.  Many have left, many have moved on.   So, Debra, you say, “Where is this going?”.

God has healed my heart.  I believe he has begun to heal my husband’s.  We have realized that perfection is not attainable by us or anyone else.  Will things be perfect?  Probably not.  But that’s O.K.

Now, to get down to business.  If you have read these blogs I write, you know I love lists.  So here we go.  Keep these tips in mind if you plan to return to a church that you almost left and are planning to get back into the “Family”

1. Don’t expect too much of yourself.    You will be tempted to jump back in with both feet.  Get to your previous level of participation.  Volunteer for everything that comes down the pike.  Whoa, there Trigger.  You have just come out of a very bad stretch of ups and downs.  Take it one day at a time.  Make sure your worship time is getting back to where it is, get back into fellowship.  Don’t become super Christian just yet.
2. Don’t expect to much of those around you.  Yippee!  You’ve decided to come back.  Welcome me with open arms!  Again, whoa boy.  Though they will be very happy to see you (probably), remember there may be unresolved pain you caused someone else.  Be patient with those around you.  Let them warm up to you again.  If they wrap their arms around you like the prodigal, good for you.  But don’t be upset or hurt if that doesn’t happen right away, or ever.
3. Don’t expect too much from the church. If a church has survived a split, it is probably struggling in some areas.  Things may be different than when you attended.  Key people may be gone and they are trying to make things right again.  Don’t throw in the towel because your “experience” isn’t what it once was.  You are there to worship the Lord, not be entertained.   I have a problem with the statement, “I’m not being fed.”  Well, children need to be fed.  Adults feed themselves.   
4. Don’t expect too much from the Pastor.  Give grace to the new person.  If your pastor left or was asked to leave, this will pertain to you.   Don’t judge the new guy on the first day.  Give him time.  “Well he doesn’t do thus and so like the old pastor!”  Well you aren’t the same either, remember?  If you have a comment similar to “I’m not being fed…”  Well refer to number 3.

I’m not an expert or a theologian.  I’m just a church member who has gone through the fire and come out the other side alive.  God’s will can be weird and wonderful.  But His will be done.  If everything was rainbows, we would never get the opportunity to grow and help others.  By His stripes we are healed.  Amen.

If you have read by blog on a regular basis, you have read my Divorce in the Church series.  As my readers, may or may not know, the blog was very personal to me.  It was precisely what was going on in my own home church when I wrote it.

Unfortunately, one of the things that I mentioned in that post that might happen, has happened.  I am referring to the following excerpt.

6. The Casualties: These are number 1-5’s, but number 1’s will think they won if they get their way, as will number 2’s. Number 3’s will continue to go along and the 4’s and or 5’s may or may not be the same. Many will become the “walking wounded” and will have to leave to just survive. They will be permanently damaged by the whole process and may not be able to commit to another relationship for years to come. No matter who wins, these people will find themselves losers.

My husband and I have found ourselves casualties.  Honestly, it was something I sort of expected, but didn’t really think, down deep, would happen to us.  I knew there would be some upset, some grieving of what we had lost, but I also knew that God was on his throne and we would be able to embrace what we had and move on.  After all, we love and care for the church we have called home and the family that has surrounded us in good and bad times.  We have had no intention of walking away from that.

To our chagrin, it has not been as easy as that.

So for those not intimately involved with this struggle with us, I hope that our journey will help others.   We pray that you will be able to glean something from this post that relates to your life.  Because, as I am wont to say, “Its going to get personal, and going to start raining some cold hard facts.”

This morning as I rose, I felt, as I have most Sundays since this all happened, a sense of emptiness.  I have been deluding myself  the past few months that it was related to the myriad of life struggles I have been facing, not about this.  I have gone through cancer, surgery, my Dad being found nearly dead, loss of a pet, changes in work, loss of another relative.  I had convinced myself that once these things had resolved, I would be able to get back into my congregation and be a participating and active member.  This morning, I realized, and starkly as tears streamed down my face, that none of these things listed above were the source of my intense sorrow.  It was the grief I felt about the “divorce.”  I likened it to the almost callous way most people deal with death and loss in our society.  The well-meaning friend who glibly asks a grieving mother who has lost a child, “Will you have another?”  Or the oh so kind relative when you are upset about the loss of a pet, “When are you going to get another cat or dog?”  Or when you lose a spouse, “When are you going to date again?”

My husband and I have gone through something traumatic.  We feel a loss, we feel grief.  We have gone along with our society and have tried to dive back in as if nothing has happened.  But something has happened.  Its like a limb has been detached and we are still feeling its presence.  To the non-christian or the non-congregational Christian, this may seem really dramatic and over sensitive.  To the devout it may seem like straight up sin.  For we are called not to forsake meeting with the brethren.  So on top of grieving, we are feeling like sinners and drama queens.  Nice.

Nothing I am writing here is meant to hurt and shame anyone involved in this situation.  I write this blog, to help others, but I mainly write it as a way to deal with deep issues.  I know its a very public way to deal with it, but I have never been accused of not saying what I think.

Do we feel any less close to those still there?  Not at all.  If anything we feel closer in many ways.  But what those that remain need to understand is that we just are not able to move past everything.  Not yet.  But what we are now asking for is the grace that was given to many.  The ability to grieve, reorient ourselves and tap into God’s goodness.  This may be in a private setting for now.  My husband, specifically, feels a great deal of personal responsibility for some of the outcome of the “divorce.”  He was intimately involved with it and feels somewhat sullied by the whole experience.

So where does a Christian go from here?  What happens when you are involved in the following:  Either a break in a church congregation, a dismissing of a pastor, or simply a disagreement between members that has drawn in those around them.

1.  God hasn’t abandoned you.  

The Lord didn’t want this to happen anymore than you did, but He also isn’t going to leave you in your hour of need.  The Lord can take the brokenness of anything and make it beautiful.  Even if you feel like a cracked vase, God can glue it back together with no cracks.

2.  God still loves you, and the other person too.  

You may still hold a lot of residual anger over what has happened and much directed at the person or persons you deem responsible.   But God still loves you and love the person you are angry at too.  Just as a mother still loves a child that is throwing a tantrum, God is waiting for you to stop kicking and screaming in the grocery aisle floor of life and realize his decisions are best.

3.  Time away is ok.  

This one may get some serious backlash from the faithful.  For it is written in Hebrews 10:25,  “Not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

we are specifically told not to forsake the assembly.  There is one word though in that passage.  Habit.  As is the habit of some.  To me, missing church isn’t a habit.  On the contrary, I feel an upset in my soul when I cannot gather with people.  Are you sick sometimes, yes.  Are you unable to come due to emergencies, yes.  But to repair your soul and heart, I believe that God allows us time to heal ourselves.  If you find that you are not attending worship because you want to sleep in, hang out with friends, then you have a problem.

4.  Don’t forsake time with the Lord.

As you heal, don’t stop doing the things you did before.   Read your Bible, pray, do your devotions.  Personally, I listen to Christian radio.  It helps me stay on track, the sermons and teaching.   On Sundays, I make sure to spend quiet devotion time, then I usually watch Christian TV.  I personally like Dr. Charles Stanley, David Jeremiah, James MacDonald and John MacArthur.  These are not substitutes for worshipping the Lord in a church, but they will help you as you heal and their doctrine is sound.

5.  Don’t over do it.  

If people who still love you wish to reach out to you and talk to you about what is going on, allow them.  It may be painful at first, but healing isn’t always roses and sunshine.  Allow positive interactions with people who care about you.  Don’t allow judgmental people who want to shame you into doing things you aren’t ready for, however.   But if a Christian brother or sister wants to admonish your behavior in love, don’t necessarily close the door to it.  They may be able to see more clearly what is happening to you than you might.  It also may be a sign that your grief may have turned to indolence or sin.

I’m no expert at any of this.  Sometimes the best way to deal with grief is to be quiet and alone with your savior.  He is the only person that knows what you need, including yourself.

He will let you know when it’s time to rejoin the congregation.  He will also let you know if the divorce needs to be final, and you need to seek another home.   But that is for another time and another post.

 

 

I know what you’re thinking.  Great, more Christian platitudes couched in a little pseudo-Biblical truth.  Trials bite, you know, where have you been?  How can this be a blessing in disguise?

The truth is, the reason why people run the other way when Christians give us their “blessings in disguise” speech is that we don’t practice what we preach.  Of course, that is the point isn’t it?  That’s why people aren’t running into the arms of Christ in America.  It’s because of us.  Not Him.

For it says in 2 Timothy 3.  But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come.  For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient   to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, rural, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather  than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power.  And from such people turn away!”

Don’t be mistaken, Paul wasn’t talking about unbelievers here.   He is talking about the church going folk. Why would he say they have a form of godliness but denying its power?  Unbelievers don’t pretend to have a form of godliness.  They don’t care about godliness, in one form or another.   So basically Paul is saying that there will be a lot of fake Christians about, among other things.

So what does this have to do with blessings in disguise?  I, as much as anyone, have had my share of trials.  Many of them in this year alone.  But what I found, is that when things are the bleakest, I find myself the most drawn to the comfort of the Lord.   I’m not the most graceful in trials, mind you.  I’m the first to become frightened, express  my dismay on Facebook, etc.  Lamentations really is a book made for me.  Well you get the point.  But even though I get dragged kicking and screaming, the Lord has way of quieting me in ways I never thought possible.    He also shows us that most of the time, these things are a season, not something to last forever.

I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer this year, I lost a dear pet to old age, my Father nearly died, my aunt was put in a nursing home for a short time.  It’s been a tough year.  I was wondering if this was a permanent situation.  But the clouds have broken.  My cancer was removed with no treatment needed, my Dad didn’t die, my Aunt got to come home, and my heart is healing over my pet.   Though I sought help in many places the only help that calmed my soul was that I sought at the feet of the Lord.   If you don’t know what thats like, please reach out to someone you know that can help you become a Christian.  That’s step one.   Step two is to find a Bible believing church to attend where you can find discipleship.  Don’t expect the whole church to be full of perfect people.  Some will be like you, some will be like those listed above and some, hopefully will be the loving saints you need to help you find your way.

The Christian life isn’t an easy path.  Expect resistance.  Expect attacks.  But remember, those too are blessings in disguise.

 

About a year ago I read the book Introverts in the church, by Adam McHugh.   It is a book about how introverts can sometimes feel marginalized in today’s mega-church, evangelical atmosphere.  Though I don’t agree with everything Mr. McHugh stated in his book doctrinally, I do agree with much of what he said.    I am one of those strange beings that finds themselves in the middle of the introvert/extrovert divide.  I lean more to introvert, but I play an extrovert on t.v.  Insert hearty chuckle.

As a 30 year Christian, church-goer and observer of human beings.  I have gleaned some things out of my own experience that might be useful for you.

1.    “The room”.  I know this sounds ominous, but I visited a church once that took visitors into a “room” after the service, closed the door and talked to you.  I felt like I was going into the principals office or worse.  I was a practicing Christian, secure in my faith, and also had my equally astonished husband with me.    To someone looking for a church home, an introvert in particular, this would have been the most frightening thing they ever experienced.  They would have run, not walked, out of your church, never to darken your door again.  We didn’t go back either, mind you.  But not for just that reason.  Just a gentle reminder to those that want to make visitors welcome-in an introverted, computer driven age, where people can barely make conversation without a phone and Facebook, this is death.

2.   The over-eager, commitment-bot–  You know who I am talking about.  The person that greets you and already has their clip-board out ready to put you on a committee.  Introverts move slow and won’t always commit to be part of your congregation, let alone sign up to help with Vacation Bible School.  (introvert hell, by the way.)  Your visitor may not even be a Christian, and if they are an introvert, they will be put off by the eager, glassy-eyed extrovert that wants to suddenly be their new best friend.  The introvert already has a friend.  They are probably sure one is plenty, thank you, and if you aren’t Benedict Cumberbatch, David Tennant or perhaps Martin Freeman, you aren’t on the list of new ones.  (This is more of a geek introvert, but I fly my geek flag as well.)

3.  “The Worship Team”  Introverts, as a rule, don’t like to call attention to themselves.  Especially in the middle of a room full of people screaming “God is good all the time”  to rock music.  Modern evangelical worship has turned into a campfire sing along designed for the extrovert and modern crowd.  Introverts and conservative folks as well, like the safety of their hymnal, a worship leader and a good old choir.  Whoever decided that four people standing on a stage performing for me and trying to get me to sing along while they waved their hands wildly was a good idea for worship?  Warning:  tangential rant ahead:  congregational singing is biblical and a church has an altar, not a stage.  I am a musician and I know the difference between worship and a performance.   Most of what is happening in mega-churches these days, is a performance.  They are singing songs that many in the pews can’t follow along with.  Music in church is to be experienced by everyone, not just the Michael W. Smith wannabe leading the worship team.  Sorry, end rant.

4.  Church governing bodies–If you are lucky enough for the introvert to get past the intial groupthink of some churches and they have committed to be part of the day-to-day operations of your church, you need to remember something about church committee/govern-body meetings.  Introverts are deep thinkers and sometimes they think slower than an introvert.  Just because an introvert is quiet in a meeting, doesn’t mean that they don’t have something to say.  I would recommend, doing a “round table” type of meeting, where everyone is able to input something on a particular topic.  It may take more time, but it will be worth it.  The introvert will know to plan ahead of this and will, more than likely, have something good to say.  Introverts have thought things through and will sometimes be the most ingenious and innovative member of your team.  Not all people like the Richard Nixon style of board room meetings.  Also, to those thinking that introverts are mainly women, think again.  There are equal amounts of both.  I have no trouble speaking my mind in a meeting.  I think quickly on my feet.  However, I also like to think things over and sometimes say nothing.  I’m what some in business call “bipolar”.  Insert another hearty chuckle

 

The point is, not everyone is the same in your congregation.  More and more I see not only introverts, but older Christians being marginalized by church’s more worried about filling their seats than serving their flock.  There are many younger Christians , as well, that like a more traditional service.  To some, all the rock music, flashing lights and jumbo-trons are just noise that distract you from what you are really there to do.  Worship God.  Remember Him?  The guy whose name is part of your religion?

Insert chuckle.

 

 

 

 

 

As a Christian, we hear about “valley” and “mountaintop” experiences quite a bit.  It has been written about recently in Christian publications, spoken about on Christian radio and extolled forever on social media.  What does this mean, really?

I’m not a theologian, but I can give you my own experience about “valley” and “mountaintop” experiences.    I am personally going through a very deep “valley” experience.   The list of things that have happened is pretty long in such a short time.   My  99 year old Aunt, who I am at least partial caregiver for, fell and fractured her pelvis, my kitty -which was more my baby than pet, died, I was diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer and my father’s last sibling, a very dear woman, my Aunt died last Thursday.  All this has happened since the beginning of April.  On top of the autoimmune liver disease I suffer of, this has been quite a bit.    If I were a superstitious person, I would think that I had walked under too many ladders.  But as a Christian, I am told that I am in a “season of trials”.

Let’s look first at the difference between a “season” and a “thorn in the flesh”, as stated by Paul the apostle.  Paul asked God to remove his thorn several times but realized it was something he was going to have to learn to live with.  My liver disease is an example of a thorn.  But, most theologians would agree that what has been happening to me lately is a “season of trials.”

When you are in the middle of things like this, you feel like it will never end.  There are some good steps to go through when you feel this way.  These are good things to remember if you are a Christian or not.  However, as a non-believer, you may find it more difficult to find the joy in the situation.

1.    This too shall pass.  With a few exceptions of course, most seasons of trial will eventually pass.  Will health problems not resolve and the person die?  Yes, that sometimes happens.  Sometimes healing will not come on this side of eternity.  Will bad things go on for a considerable amount of time?  Yes.  But except for a few extreme  circumstances, things will usually resolve.

2.   Accepting the New Normal.      Things may eventually pass, but sometimes what happened will cause what is normal in your life to change.  A significant health issue may cause you to now have to take certain medications, go to the doctor more, etc.  A financial set-back may make you reassess your lifestyle.  A death will cause your life to be irrevocably changed.  Don’t fight it and say “I just wish everything would go back to the way it was!”  It is counter productive and will do nothing but make you hurt.

3.   Remember what God did for you last time.  If you aren’t a believer, this may make this step difficult.  Remember how God got you through bad times in the past.  It may not be exactly what happened this time, but God uses trials and bad events to grow us.  If you have never had a person close to you die, it may be the worst thing to ever happen to you.  But when it happens again, and it will, you will be more prepared to deal with the onslaught of emotions.  If you aren’t a believer, what coping mechanisms did you use last time?  Were they productive or destructive?

4.  Don’t confuse a trial for a thorn.  There may be thorns lurking in that trial that will become permanant.  That is part of the new normal and applies to number 2.   If you are diagnosed with a chronic disease, God may wanting to work through you to help others, perhaps he wants to make sure you realize you have to depend on Him.

5.  Its ok to be mad at God.  Don’t gasp, yeah it is.  He has big shoulders.  This is ok as long as it isn’t permanant.  God doesn’t inflict pain on purpose, but he can use it.

6.  Don’t confuse a trial with a consequence.  A lot of that stuff we deal with is because we made bad choices, plain and simple.  You bought a house that was more than you can afford and you can’t make the payments.  Consequence.  You borrowed too much money for school for an underwater basket weaving degree and you can’t get a job.  Consequence.  You’re child gets leukemia.  Trial.    I could get into the sins of the father here, but I won’t.  Don’t think the sky is falling and God is putting you through something that you caused.  Can he use it and get you out of it?  Oh yeah.  Will you still have to suffer through it.  Most definitely.

7.  Don’t make more of a situation than it deserves.  What if thinking will kill you when you are going through a trial.  Don’t look too far ahead and don’t take small things and turn them into catastrophes before you know what is going on.  I am terrible at this one.  I’m a planner.  It helps me in my job and makes me a good administrator, but not good at coping with stress.

You aren’t going to get these right every time.  There are going to be times when you feel like you can’t put one foot in front of another.  This is especially true if you have suffered a death, or you have a health problem.  I speak from experience, it is hard.  But if you trust in the Lord and use good coping mechanisms you will survive it.

Christian fellowship has come to mean different things to different people.  To some, its a Sunday afternoon pot-luck, with rows of casserole dishes and pies made by silver haired ladies and busy Moms.  To others, its a Bible study at someone’s home.  To others it may be getting together with a good Christian friend.  We, as American Christians, have done what most Americans do to everything.  We have taken something from the Bible and made it fit into our lives and culture.

There is nothing wrong with making things fit within your cultural norms.  But with Christian fellowship, according to Dietrich Bonhoeffer in his book “Life Together:  A discussion of Christian Fellowship”, there is everything wrong with this.  For those you do not know, Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a pastor during Hitler’s Germany.  He was executed at Flossenburg concentration camp, April 9, 1945.  The following is from the foreword of Bonhoeffer’s book:

“For innumerable Christians in Germany, on the Continent, England and in America, Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s death has been a contemporary confirmation of Tertullian’s dictum,  The blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church; for his life and death and his writings, which throb with the simple, downright faith of one who has met Jesus Christ and accepted the ultimate consequences of that encounter in the World (which he defined as the sphere of the concrete responsibility given to us by and in Jesus Christ)–these are still a living witness in the ecumenical church in which he served.”

There is much that can be read on Bonhoeffer’s life online or in many biographies.  I highly recommend you pick one up and read.  Not only does he speak truth on Christianity, but also his words resonate in today’s world events like few others do.

Back to Christian fellowship.  Bonehoeffer says in his book that there is a difference between true Christian fellowship, that is where we are brought to community by Christ and Human Fellowship, which is where we are brought together by ourselves.  Something really struck me about the following passage:

“One who wants more than what Christ has established does not want Christian brotherhood.  He is looking for some extraordinary social experience which he has not found elsewhere;  he is bringing muddled and impure desires into Christian brotherhood.  Just at this point Christian brotherhood is threatened most often at the very start by the greatest danger of all, the danger of being poisoned at its root, the danger of confusing Christian brotherhood with some wishful idea of religious fellowship, of confounding the natural desire of the devout heart for community with the spiritual reality of Christian brotherhood.  In Christian brotherhood everything depends upon its being clear right from the beginning, first, that Christian brotherhood is not an ideal, but a divine reality.  Second, that Christian brotherhood is a spiritual and not a human reality.”


Now granted, this is only on page 26 of a 115 page book, but what he is saying struck me as the antithesis of everything most modern American churches stand for.  According to Bonhoeffer, we have taken the truth of true fellowship, with Christ as our only mediator, and turned it into a dream world of human community.  He does state later on that there is a place for both and we can’t make everything spiritual, but if what he is saying is true, we have lost the point of being with other Christians.  That would explain why to many people they see no difference in the churches they visit than they do with people in the world.  Christians sagely say that it is because Christians aren’t perfect and we are just sinners saved by grace.  We are human, so we will act like humans.  There is truth to this, of course.  But what really is happening is that we have taken something that is spiritual and tried to bring it down to our level, instead of trying to elevate ourselves.

Not only do we begin to be annoyed by those around us and question their faith, we begin to elevate ourselves to the place of their judge.  Bonhoeffer states:

“Because Christ has long since acted decisively for my brother, before I could begin to act, I must leave him his freedom to be Christ’s; I must meet him only as the person that he already is in Christ’s eyes.  This is the meaning of the proposition that we can meet others only through the mediation of Christ.  Human love constructs its own image of the other person, of what he is and what he should become.  It takes the life of the other person into its own hands.  Spiritual love recognizes that true image of the other person which has received from Jesus Christ; the image of Jesus Christ himself embodied and would stamp upon all men.”


Now, to clarify, there are all stages of Christian, and non-Christian, attending our churches today.  They may not be the level that Bonhoeffer states above.  However, that isn’t who I am referring to.  It is the mature Christians, regardless of chronological age, the leaders, the teachers, the Pastors, that have fed into this idea Church may be one great big pot-luck.  Our programs, our youth groups, everything fosters the idea of community.  That’s fine, as long as its a Christ centered community, not a group of Christian humans getting together and calling it a Christian community.

I am not a deep theological thinker like Bonehoeffer, but I can see this in congregations.  A few weeks ago, I posted on divorce in the church, how sometimes it was better just to part ways.  Bonhoeffer also states that this is true.  To paraphrase, he states that if as a community you have deluded yourselves to believe that church is a social hour, that all your human support and love comes from your fellow church members, or your Pastor, you should probably just walk away.  Our support, our love, and our help comes from Christ and Christ alone.  It is by his grace and that grace alone that we are allowed to have the community of other Christians.

“Christianity means community through Jesus Christ and in Jesus Christ.  No Christian community is more or less than this.  Whether it be a brief, single encounter or the daily fellowship of years, Christian community is only this.  We belong to one another only through and in Jesus Christ.”


So when you are having strife in your church or with a Christian brother, remember this.  If your community has tried to become anything more or less than this, perhaps the potlucks are all you have left.  Christ left the building a long time ago.